Angry Gratitude

As some of you know, I am an American Idol junkie. Every year I tell myself that I will not get sucked in to this prepackaged, sterlized, predetermined schlok! But every year, I watch one episode and find that one or two rays of light that seem genuine (at least from the comfort of my couch) and I am hooked. Once a junkie always a junkie I guess :). This year has been especially tough for me because they have trotted in all of these very talented ringers!

But I digress...This blog is not about that...It is about the Idol Gives Back guilt fest that they have put on for the second year. I swore I wouldn't watch it this year! So when my plans got changed tonight I sat down to critisize, pass judgement, and relish in the joy of my superior attitude about such things.

My internal dialougue usually goes something like this...The money doesn't go where they say, Why exploit these poor people just for ratings or to alieve some sort of guilt from making a gazillion dollars every year...I have been HIV positive for 15 years and no one has given me and my kind anywhere near this kind of attention or assistance. We had to fight for everything back in the day...Nothing we do will make a difference in the grand scheme of things.. the status quo always wins out...on and on the anger and pitty fest goes in my head... And it gets loud! There were so many negative voices going on in my head tonight that even I noticed how loud they were... Which is funny to me because these are messages that I have created and lived with for decades and they are usually a comfortable safe place for me (I know, my therapist has a field day with me).

Sometime after the Idols sang 525,600 minutes, you know the song from Rent, I started hearing that still small voice that has served me well lately... In almost every song, presentation, and face on that stage tonight I keep hearing and seeing LOVE. LOVE in people's eyes that are in impossible situations, LOVE from the entertainers, LOVE from the audience... By the end of the show I was practically up on my feet and crying and singing with everyone else. By the end of the show LOVE was the only message running thru my always overactive brain. Was I sucked in? Most definitley... Am I a sucker? Most probably... Do I care? Not tonight anyway...

As I write this and prepare for sleep I feel as light as a feather and I feel like I can do anything. The Gods have shown me once again in a very suptle simple way that my negative view of the world is a choice. My negative view of the world need not be the way it is if I only listen... and act...

So I have actually taken the time tonight to be still and listen to that LOVE voice...and for a change it has won out on my negative feelings... This happens more and more these days... I try to stay in the Grinch Zone but because my choices are better, more deliberate, and more in the direction of the light I can't seem to go to the dark, even when I seek its comfort...This sort of Angry Gratitude is a perfect teacher for someone like me who likes to feel sorry for himself and loves to be the vicitim in many situations.