Hey everyone! I am back in the saddle again with this blog! I have been away dealing with problems of abundance in my life.
Well, I recieved mixed reviews of my poety :) as I knew I would. One thing is for sure, these writings were a very good reflection of my past... So let's leave it there...
I came across two pieces of old writing recently. One was the poem about Boxes and the other was my Journal from when I lived in Zambia, Africa. Both got me to thinking about how I had changed since the writings. Both reflected feelings of being trapped.
The Africa Journal is 23 years old. I was 21 years old when I wrote it and the Boxes poem was written 9 years ago...But there is a common thread in these two "stories" ... That common thread... I had been people pleasing to be loved... This brought to me the revelation that this has been lifelong... I have been so afraid of being alone my entire life that I would do anything to get people to love me which has resulted in a series of compartmentalized life segments and some very dangerous situations. Not to say there wasn't some wonderful experiences along the way but I can't help wonder what would have happened if I had followed my bliss this entire time.
I have spent my entire life trying to fit into a one box or another... The box of my parents and granparents, The box of religious fundamentalism, The military box, The gay box, The drug/ party boy box, on and on and on... I can't think of any moment before last year where I was living my life just for me, for what I wanted my mark to be.
The biggest relief to me is that the living outside these boxes isn't the lonely scary place I thought it was. True, doing my own thing means doing it alone many times (or with my four legged companions) but it hasn't been scary or unbearable lonely. For the most part, there is a new excitement and freshness to everything I do. The light and love that I have lamented about not having (as witnessed in much of what I write) was hiding deep within me all the time. And the only way I have found this out is by choosing to go my own way regardless of the perceived costs...
Me
In My Fuzzy Mode
About Me
- Daddy Oz
- Dallas, Texas, United States
- Middle-aged HIV+ healthy homosexual man living in a fairly progressive city who has started this blog because he is pissed off about the apathy in the GLBT community and needed a sounding board. I share my mostly quiet and satisfying life with my two beautiful four legged children of the canine variety, Sophie and Betty and a few good friends who have stayed with me along the way.
1 comment:
sthat realization is one of the reasons I moved to this cabin in the pacific northwest. I had decided I needed to live alone a few years and learn to enjoy my life without the approval of others..then within two months I found myself in another relationship because I didn't want to say "no" and hurt his feelings. it was a disaster of course but it lead me to where I am now.
Life is funny. As long as I looked for love I couldn't find it. Like forcing a laugh.
I lived here and it seems as soon as I was comfortable being alone and _wanted_ to be alone I met Gary. He didn't want a relationship, I definately didn't want a relationship...certainly not with him. we are complete opposites.. and here we are on our 13th year in awe of ourselves that we still are in love and still act as if we've just met. we have our troubles but like the laugh that is spontanious, it flows and works on its own without any input from me.
I wrote in my journal when i first moved here a strong desire to stop needing approval and that was a particularly difficult lesson for me, being a people person, so I did something drastic and moved into a log cabin in the middle of the mountains where I couldn't find a gay man if I tried.
Funny how life works. the perfect match for me camping in the woods up stream, caught in a flood, looses everything and winds up on my doorstep soaking wet not looking for a relationship...certainly not with me.
papabear
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