My Life "Til Now Essay

I wrote this a few years ago but as I read it it seems more valid than ever...

Walking along the pale two dimensional story board that had been my life lately I never again expected to find anything that could turn this poorly constructed comic book into a three dimensional pop up book about my fabulous life. The days of thinking about my existence in those terms had been crushed years ago and the colorful dust that was at first left under my shoe had dissipated long before the dawning of the new millennium into a dull gray smoke screen.

It wasn’t such a bad place to spend time really. Gone were the dramatic up and down swings, like in your favorite marvel comic adventure. Replaced by a steady droning of life’s routine. That comforting continuous sound of giving up and giving in that lulled me asleep. Never to awake? Complete deflation.

The deflation started so quietly. One day I began to think: Who needs the parties, the men, the nameless faceless countless encounters here in meat space (Stolen from Ken Wilber). Who needs marches, let the younger queers have it. I am tired. Who even remembers what the fighting was all about (I miss the 80’s; at least the enemy was something other than myself). Who needs the countless drag (Big Dottie ad nauseam) and leather incarnations. Ironically, two sides of the same coin. Who needs the dancing ‘til 4am oblivious to all your surroundings (pure bliss – sometimes with flags). Being gay is only a small part of who I really am, right? (Who am I kidding? Being alone and in Texas, it is just easier to go partially back into the closet behind the guise of my pseudo new-age bullshit). I need to look for my validation elsewhere; I need to be a part of the Big Out There!

So slowly, with 12 steps, psychotherapy, isolation and a sitcom lobotomy I began to erase the beautiful colors from my story board. The colors that I spent so many years experimenting with and perfecting that were unique to me. Colors that for a few short years I painted with broad strokes, proud and loud and in your face. No apologies, no regrets, no explanations, and no validation needed! Colors that began with Red. Red blood. Red ribbons. Seeing red because I have IT! But not being content with one note, one color, and one cry of pathetic helplessness, I exploded (given lemons, make lemonade). I experienced life, all of it in short order! My colors became as countless as the stars and my joy as infinite.

But my time of infinite joy of feeling truly alive seems to have passed. (I wished I would have recognized it as such. I would have enjoyed it more). My “now” life is routine, predictable, grown-up. Complete decoloration (monochrome, not even black and white). This has been my mantra for sometime now, starting sometime late last century. It is who I have become.

Stop!

Let’s get out of this maudlin middle land, this fence straddling Odyssey that would make Homer think twice about penning his real or imagined life!

Quit living life as if it was over or that the best part of it is behind you. Learn your lessons once and for all! The joy! The colors! Even the monochrome. They are you! Still those voices from your fundamental hells and believe! There never was a fall!

Gather with those who have come with you through the fog! Be the mirror! Bend time! Back to the future! See that I am, you are all there is! Beauty! Power! Love! Beyond comprehension… except comprehension is inevitable.

There is enough! There always has been enough! Stop dipping your toe in the shallow end Hal! Jump! And join the ever increasing masses and dive into the pool ! Get soaking wet! Then go forth and be the miracle so others may come.