Angry Gratitude

As some of you know, I am an American Idol junkie. Every year I tell myself that I will not get sucked in to this prepackaged, sterlized, predetermined schlok! But every year, I watch one episode and find that one or two rays of light that seem genuine (at least from the comfort of my couch) and I am hooked. Once a junkie always a junkie I guess :). This year has been especially tough for me because they have trotted in all of these very talented ringers!

But I digress...This blog is not about that...It is about the Idol Gives Back guilt fest that they have put on for the second year. I swore I wouldn't watch it this year! So when my plans got changed tonight I sat down to critisize, pass judgement, and relish in the joy of my superior attitude about such things.

My internal dialougue usually goes something like this...The money doesn't go where they say, Why exploit these poor people just for ratings or to alieve some sort of guilt from making a gazillion dollars every year...I have been HIV positive for 15 years and no one has given me and my kind anywhere near this kind of attention or assistance. We had to fight for everything back in the day...Nothing we do will make a difference in the grand scheme of things.. the status quo always wins out...on and on the anger and pitty fest goes in my head... And it gets loud! There were so many negative voices going on in my head tonight that even I noticed how loud they were... Which is funny to me because these are messages that I have created and lived with for decades and they are usually a comfortable safe place for me (I know, my therapist has a field day with me).

Sometime after the Idols sang 525,600 minutes, you know the song from Rent, I started hearing that still small voice that has served me well lately... In almost every song, presentation, and face on that stage tonight I keep hearing and seeing LOVE. LOVE in people's eyes that are in impossible situations, LOVE from the entertainers, LOVE from the audience... By the end of the show I was practically up on my feet and crying and singing with everyone else. By the end of the show LOVE was the only message running thru my always overactive brain. Was I sucked in? Most definitley... Am I a sucker? Most probably... Do I care? Not tonight anyway...

As I write this and prepare for sleep I feel as light as a feather and I feel like I can do anything. The Gods have shown me once again in a very suptle simple way that my negative view of the world is a choice. My negative view of the world need not be the way it is if I only listen... and act...

So I have actually taken the time tonight to be still and listen to that LOVE voice...and for a change it has won out on my negative feelings... This happens more and more these days... I try to stay in the Grinch Zone but because my choices are better, more deliberate, and more in the direction of the light I can't seem to go to the dark, even when I seek its comfort...This sort of Angry Gratitude is a perfect teacher for someone like me who likes to feel sorry for himself and loves to be the vicitim in many situations.

Boxes

Hey everyone! I am back in the saddle again with this blog! I have been away dealing with problems of abundance in my life.

Well, I recieved mixed reviews of my poety :) as I knew I would. One thing is for sure, these writings were a very good reflection of my past... So let's leave it there...

I came across two pieces of old writing recently. One was the poem about Boxes and the other was my Journal from when I lived in Zambia, Africa. Both got me to thinking about how I had changed since the writings. Both reflected feelings of being trapped.

The Africa Journal is 23 years old. I was 21 years old when I wrote it and the Boxes poem was written 9 years ago...But there is a common thread in these two "stories" ... That common thread... I had been people pleasing to be loved... This brought to me the revelation that this has been lifelong... I have been so afraid of being alone my entire life that I would do anything to get people to love me which has resulted in a series of compartmentalized life segments and some very dangerous situations. Not to say there wasn't some wonderful experiences along the way but I can't help wonder what would have happened if I had followed my bliss this entire time.

I have spent my entire life trying to fit into a one box or another... The box of my parents and granparents, The box of religious fundamentalism, The military box, The gay box, The drug/ party boy box, on and on and on... I can't think of any moment before last year where I was living my life just for me, for what I wanted my mark to be.

The biggest relief to me is that the living outside these boxes isn't the lonely scary place I thought it was. True, doing my own thing means doing it alone many times (or with my four legged companions) but it hasn't been scary or unbearable lonely. For the most part, there is a new excitement and freshness to everything I do. The light and love that I have lamented about not having (as witnessed in much of what I write) was hiding deep within me all the time. And the only way I have found this out is by choosing to go my own way regardless of the perceived costs...

A Little Poetry

I have been working my ass off over the past few weeks so not much time to write. So to keep it interesting here is some poetry from my past. If you have known me for any length of time try to quess when I wrote some of this. some of it is good, some of it is bad, some of it is a bit naughty :), some of it is very maudlin.... so here we go...

Leo Rising (The Morning of Me)
by Daddy Oz
What do you do when your life is suddenly your own…
You wait…
What do you do when time is your only asset…
You wait…
What do you do when the Buddha within has gone without…
You wait… You hold on…
What do you do when that thought of not being present is your only feeling,,,
You wait… You hold on…
For as long as it takes…
The ultimate dawn, the brightest morning, always comes after the darkness…
If you have the courage to wait… and hold on…
Forget no more and remember forever that this “meantime” is in preparation for that bright clear morning….
And as is Truth…
Joy Comes In The Morning!
______
Beauty Truth and Love: 2003 Remix
By Daddy Oz
Let me take you on a journey…into sound? (No, that barrier is broken!)

Like moths to a flame that burns with desire…
Vanilla Sky no more… The rainbow connection is back…

Forged in fire…In the belly…
Full… a concrete primal manifestation of God’s love…

Forged in fire… In the eyes…
Blinding, Crystal Clear… the portal to all there is…
And all their ever was…

Forged in fire…In that imaginary hell of our parents…
One night in heaven to the rest of us! Peace.
The place between the noise.
______

When Pigs Fly and Other Little Known Truths
By Daddy Oz
Take away the matrix of this industrialized… information age (no one said the information was accurate)…

Take away the animal hides on our backs… Unabashed nakedness is the new black (and blue if needed my dear)…

Now, use that atrophied sensory mechanism… that primitive radar for pure desire… Snout to the wind……

What are you picking up? Sweat, Piss, Ass, Cum, Crisco, Rubber, Leather, Grunts, Primal Scream, Pain, Pain, Pain, Release, Bliss, Love…

Ours for the taking… but most of all sharing…Words are pointless now… Go Be…

BE… BEAUTIFUL!
_____
Beautiful Boy

Sitting on the floor playing with blocks and bottles
I create new world’s and visit other dimensions
My mind is clear, limitless, and pure.
I smile; I cry; I feel… completely.
I am free! I am me!
I am a beautiful boy.

Sitting on the floor with my boxes and bills
I review the world of my creation with no thought of anything else
My mind is numb, finite, and vacant.
I rarely smile; I cry-never…just let me sleep.
I am “not-present”. I am… invisible.
I am a beautiful boy…but no one knows it.

Sitting on the floor with knives and pills
I am at the edge of a different world; new? brave?
My mind is crowded, the voices loud and harmful.
I smile because this has become my shield my fear “hider”
I am paralyzed! I am… almost done.
I am a beautiful boy… but I don’t believe it.

Sitting on the floor with… just sitting on the floor
I am adrift
My mind is in neutral… neutralized?
No emotions. No expressions.
I am a coward.

Sitting on the floor with rubber missiles and gear grease
I smile; I cry; I release and let go!
I can see freedom again. I am still here.
I am a beautiful boy
________

Illuminators

Illuminators, former Shaman of the Night People, I have sent out a beacon beyond all time and space for your return to this insignificant spot in the universe. Your pure self- conscious love energy that enfolded us and held us so safely is needed again.

My brothers and I did not understand the responsibilities that went with such power. After all, we were just infants ourselves, the first of earth’s receivers of the gift.

Almost five years has passed since the implosion of the “Bubble” and my brothers and I are collectively lost. I can’t reach my brothers alone because my words are not credible. In the name of self- preservation, I exchanged the Truth…Replaced it with fast food spirituality and the work ethic of the great White Conquerors.

I evoke you gently to return not out of nostalgia, not out of an addicts craving for whatever gets you through the night. My request is one of salvation for a small but incredibly powerful, pure, and fragile subset of humanity.

Return and begin again to teach us gently about the Light within. Place in our spirit the keys, symbols, and language of the Light. (For we have proven by our current predicament that structure is still needed in this earth school.) And place in our intuition, the Light sharing mechanism , unique to each of us, that will set others free and in the process free us.

We have seen enough darkness to last 1,000 lifetimes. The time is now to Illuminate!

And so it is!

Be Kind To Each Other

This last week has been an interesting one, full of love and death. I want to pontificate about how life is precious and how it is still possible to find love blah blah blah, but with the sudden death of two acquaintances and the sudden possiblility of romance in my life after a long dry spell all I can muster is to say Be Kind To Each Other and Yourself.

We don't know how much time we have and we definitely don't know when love might be around the corner in the most unlikely form. Let's not live our lives in "quite desperation" as Thoreau laments that most men do in his masterpiece, Walden. Let's celebrate this precious life we have been given in every moment.

You will be missed John and George. I can't wait to see what is next Tre!

Clinton VS. Obama

Well after watching the Super Tuesday returns last night and staying up long enough to see Clinton (I will not refer to her as Hillary. I think it is disrespectful.) take California I am no closer to my primary decision. I am just glad that for the first time in years Texas gets to help make the decision in the democratic primary.

I am not one to make decisions on emotion like I did in my twenties and thirties. I actually try to review the facts and make an informed decision now, especially in this important election year.

I listen to Clinton's ideas and attention to detail (which many bash her for) and I see a president who will leave nothing to chance. I listen to Obama's passion and try to shoot holes in is message for lack of substance and find that he too has a solid plan. And this is why I am torn.

I care less about the historical significance of this nomination (and it is amazing!) but more about how to get back to the prosperity and peace we all once enjoyed not to long ago. I see Obama as a true change agent for good and I feel an obligation to Clinton because I remember the life I enjoyed when her family had the reins in the 1990's.

The good news is we can't go wrong with either choice.

Post Gay Dating

Lately, I have been trying to date (not just hook up) after a couple of years being single. I finally seem to have some idea about what I want in a relationship and what I can offer.

The good news is that I am a much cooler together guy than I ever thought I could be. I have become someone that I would like to hang out with and I am not the dumbest thing on two feet. Most of my friends, medical professionals, and self-help books point to how healthy this state of mind is but I have to wonder...

A problem I see with this new "together" me is how comfortable I have become alone. I no longer feel that nagging loneliness that used to force me to search for "Mr. Right" in a blinding procession of "Mr. Right Now's". I am quite content going to movies, dog parks, plays, and other social events alone. I have also become good at "scratching that itch" of sexual need when it comes up. But thankfuly, at 44, that urge is under control also (although I was informed by an aquantance of mine at a party this weekend that that made me a slut. Wow, if he only new me when).

But there are still those times that I want to turn to someone and share something funny with them, steal a kiss from them, or just have that secure feeling of another fellow traveler. And when I realize it is just me and the dogs I don't really get sad but there is that feeling of extra space where something else should be. The only conclusion that I can consistently draw from this, as independent as I have become, is that sharing my life with someone, the right someone this time, would be a really good thing. So off I have gone into the dating world... reluctantly.

I quess the only thing that surprises me is how unavailable everyone is, even when they claim to be looking for what you are looking for. The type of men I have been meeting are as follows:

• Partnered but wanting a little marital aid on the side
• Single, think I am "a catch" but in the long run just wanted in my pants (I am partially to blame here because of my past behavior and I have lived in the same city for 20 years).
• The " I want a relationship" guy but who has just had his heart broken and our timing is off.
• Active drug users who remember me from my past and just want sex and can't understand why I am not interested. I sometimes get called alot of names by them.
• Narrow minded people who judge me based on decade old information. Good thing I don't get my self-worth from others...
• Internet dating - Oh my God! Don't do this! It is either hook-up central, scared shy introverts who would crumble if you said Bo! to them, and sophmoric little boys who get their jollies playing games with you with no intention of ever meeting you. Like I have said in another post CRYSTAL METH AND CRAIG'S LIST HAS DESTROYED DATING!
• Just in for the weekend! to paraphrase Harvey F. in Torch Song Trilogy.

Anyway, you get the picture. It is almost enough to turn me into that cranky old man that lives alone with his dogs and 17 cats and yells at the neighbor kids. But I don't go that way...

You see, I remember. I remember my first love and my first relationship that lasted 7 years. I remember the love, the friendship, the "Just being There" feeling. I also remember the wonder ful young men that I have dated properly thru the years, especially, pre-Circuit Me... I remember the potential and what still could be...

In the meantime... I will continue to wade through the crap... keep "Becoming"... and thank the gods when I do find him...

Come to think of it...maybe I am in a healthy state of mind... Off to walk Sophie and Betty!

Family

Unprotected Sex OK For Some

Go to this link on MSNBC for an interesting discussion on a practice that many gay men have been doing all along http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22934058/.

Finally, some Risk Reduction information for the real world...

End Of An Error

Saw this bumper sticker today. What an understatement.

JANUARY 20, 2009 - THE END OF AN ERROR!

The New Party Drug Combo - Are They Kidding?

I have just read an article in The Dallas Voice (First story in the January 18, 2008 issue) about the latest attempt of some gay men to circumvent reality, cheat death, and find Neverland... It seems that the latest party drug "trail mix" is a combination of viagra, ecstacy, and an anti-HIV drug (what happened to the X- Ketamine mix - to simple? )

According to the article, and I paraphrase, this combination of chemicals is designed to allow you to party 'til 4am, fuck the rest of the night and day away with complete abandon without the consequences of contracting HIV. The article also speaks about the rise of the MRSA or the super staph bug that has been running rampant through our community for several years now.

While all of this is disturbing to me on several levels, especially the fact that some of my brethren will actual grasp at this latest straw to be free of the specter of HIV, this isn't the most disturbing thing about this article.

The author of this article, an executive in one of our most prominent clinics in Dallas, talks about how all of these latest practices could lead to increased HIV infections (Duh!). He talks about how all of this disturbs him and that this could potentialy unravel years of risk reduction and safer sex practices( Hate to tell him but the horse has been out of the barn on this one for years). He also drones on about possible drug resistance and the long term costs of all of this and gives lip service to the community returning to a spirit of activism like in the 80's and early 90's, includng a veiled reference to the East and West coast bathhouse closings of the 80's as a possible solution.

So what disturbs me most about this article are two things:

• The "C" Average unimaginative, recycled risk reduction mantras of the past coming from our supposedly best sources of information and leadership on such matters. Doesn't anyone have fresh ideas about how to slow this epidemic among the younger generation? If this is the best they can come up with I am calling for their resignations. Put someone in these positions with balls who will tell it like it is and will not allow government agencies, scared mediocore low level community politicos, or anyone else to water down the message that needs to get out. It is still as simple as Silence Equals Death, HIV and excessive drug use kills, and low self esteem is still one of the biggest killers of our communities.
• How out of touch our so called leaders are - Heads up leaders - MRSA has been around for at least 5 years (Before I wised up and figured out what was going on I contracted it twice. One in early 2004 and once in 2005) and yes it is spreading faster in our community and it is from unprotected sex and sharing needles. Please just say it and don't apologize or hedge just to safe face. Now is not the time to safe face. Now is the time to save lives. Also, barebacking ( stupid term that looks even stupider written out on a Craig's List entry) has been a common practice for at least a decade (yes I partisipate in it, don't lie about it and it feels good) so risk reduction and safe sex messages aren't working. Let's have town hall meetings and figure out this complicated health problem. Let's start with the ugly truth and get on with it.

You see, I am a 15 year long term non progressive survivor of HIV, drugs played an integral and formative part in my life, and craigs list and crystal meth have messed things up for me in the dating arena. I want to share my experiences, good,bad, and ugly with others not to mess up any fun (experiment, make mistakes, it is all part of the deal, or destiny) but get smart about it because their will be a time if you survive when most of you will want to go down a different path. You can't do that if you are dead or chronically ill from something that was preventable.

So I say to our leaders to put your money where your mouth is and do more than write articles. I stand ready to help you and work within the existing system but if you guys are all talk then I will get my message another way. Contact me , I dare you...

My Life "Til Now Essay

I wrote this a few years ago but as I read it it seems more valid than ever...

Walking along the pale two dimensional story board that had been my life lately I never again expected to find anything that could turn this poorly constructed comic book into a three dimensional pop up book about my fabulous life. The days of thinking about my existence in those terms had been crushed years ago and the colorful dust that was at first left under my shoe had dissipated long before the dawning of the new millennium into a dull gray smoke screen.

It wasn’t such a bad place to spend time really. Gone were the dramatic up and down swings, like in your favorite marvel comic adventure. Replaced by a steady droning of life’s routine. That comforting continuous sound of giving up and giving in that lulled me asleep. Never to awake? Complete deflation.

The deflation started so quietly. One day I began to think: Who needs the parties, the men, the nameless faceless countless encounters here in meat space (Stolen from Ken Wilber). Who needs marches, let the younger queers have it. I am tired. Who even remembers what the fighting was all about (I miss the 80’s; at least the enemy was something other than myself). Who needs the countless drag (Big Dottie ad nauseam) and leather incarnations. Ironically, two sides of the same coin. Who needs the dancing ‘til 4am oblivious to all your surroundings (pure bliss – sometimes with flags). Being gay is only a small part of who I really am, right? (Who am I kidding? Being alone and in Texas, it is just easier to go partially back into the closet behind the guise of my pseudo new-age bullshit). I need to look for my validation elsewhere; I need to be a part of the Big Out There!

So slowly, with 12 steps, psychotherapy, isolation and a sitcom lobotomy I began to erase the beautiful colors from my story board. The colors that I spent so many years experimenting with and perfecting that were unique to me. Colors that for a few short years I painted with broad strokes, proud and loud and in your face. No apologies, no regrets, no explanations, and no validation needed! Colors that began with Red. Red blood. Red ribbons. Seeing red because I have IT! But not being content with one note, one color, and one cry of pathetic helplessness, I exploded (given lemons, make lemonade). I experienced life, all of it in short order! My colors became as countless as the stars and my joy as infinite.

But my time of infinite joy of feeling truly alive seems to have passed. (I wished I would have recognized it as such. I would have enjoyed it more). My “now” life is routine, predictable, grown-up. Complete decoloration (monochrome, not even black and white). This has been my mantra for sometime now, starting sometime late last century. It is who I have become.

Stop!

Let’s get out of this maudlin middle land, this fence straddling Odyssey that would make Homer think twice about penning his real or imagined life!

Quit living life as if it was over or that the best part of it is behind you. Learn your lessons once and for all! The joy! The colors! Even the monochrome. They are you! Still those voices from your fundamental hells and believe! There never was a fall!

Gather with those who have come with you through the fog! Be the mirror! Bend time! Back to the future! See that I am, you are all there is! Beauty! Power! Love! Beyond comprehension… except comprehension is inevitable.

There is enough! There always has been enough! Stop dipping your toe in the shallow end Hal! Jump! And join the ever increasing masses and dive into the pool ! Get soaking wet! Then go forth and be the miracle so others may come.

Introduction

My goal in this blog is to express my joys and sorrows in this my mid-life. I am definitely am celebrating some things about getting older and becoming more invisible in our youth obsessed society. In some ways the pressure is off an I can concentrate on more cerebral and spiritual aspects of my life.

But I must admit there are still many times I long for the attention of being "young and beautiful" and the shear volume of all things Hedonistic available to a good looking younger gay man. So join me on this existential crisis of my post gay life and let's see where it takes us.